Two years ago, we had the Summer of Mailbag. In 2013, we nearly had the Summer of No Mailbag. Since I'm the person in charge of collecting reader e-mails, picking my favorites and responding to them in a mailbag column that's always 2,500 words longer than it needs to be, you know what? I'll take the blame here. As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.
Q: The most amazing thing about A-Rod's career: He's one of the best hitters the game has ever seen, yet he will not be remembered favorably by a single person. Say what you want about Bonds, Clemens, Sosa, etc.; but at least there will be groups of fans who will always remember them in a positive light. A-Rod's going to pass 650 HRs and not have a single Old Timer's Day to come back to. Has anyone else in sports ever been so good, yet burned every single bridge when it comes to the fans?
—Ryan K, New York
SG: I wouldn't count out Retired A-Rod yet. In 2008, the thought of Roger Clemens returning to Fenway to celebrate the 25th anniversary of "Morgan Magic" was inconceivable. In 2013, this happened …
… and not just that, but Clemens received a few cheers and even joined WEEI's radio broadcast during the ensuing game. If the Texas Con Man can get something of a second chance in Boston, then anything's possible with A-Rod. Time (and age, and nostalgia) has a way of softening this stuff.
But you brought up one intriguing story line: The real possibility that A-Rod becomes a historical nomad, a generational talent that ultimately doesn't belong to any fan base.
There's a precedent: Oscar Robertson spent the 1960s with the Cincinnati Royals before finishing his career in Milwaukee. The Royals moved to Kansas City in 1971, changed their name to the Kings, then moved a second time to Sacramento in 1985. Every NBA legend belongs to at least one current franchise except Oscar. Magic, Elgin, West, Kobe, Kareem and Shaq? Lakers. Bird, Russell, Cousy and Havlicek? Celtics. Hakeem? Rockets. Doc? Sixers. Barkley? Sixers/Suns. Jordan? Bulls. Mokeski? Bucks. You can keep going and going.1 Oscar remains one of the 12 best players ever by any calculation, but he "belongs" to a city that hasn't had professional basketball since I was wearing diapers. He's the only legend without a guaranteed, heartfelt standing ovation from his old fans anytime he wants one. That's just bad luck — and for poor Oscar, par for the course.2
A-Rod's "bad luck" was self-inflicted. He ditched Seattle and Texas, so those cities hate him. Baseball fans hate him because he pulled off the triple crown of baseball crimes (PEDs, serial lying, record-defacing). Sports media members have practically disemboweled him these past few months; they'll never sing his praises. So only Yankees fans are left. And for Yankees fans, well before this latest PED scandal, A-Rod had become one of those annoying in-laws who never fit in with their family, but they had to put up with him because, technically, he WAS family. So they pretended to be happy to see him, made small talk with him during the holidays … and the whole time, deep down, they were rooting for him to divorce their sister so they'd never have to see him again. He'd have to single-handedly drag them to the 2013 World Series for that to change. In the words of James Baby Doll Dixon, I wish you a lot of luck, A-Rod.
So barring a 2013 World Series miracle, how does A-Rod avoid being a historical nomad? I think he has only one career move left, whether he's suspended for 2014 or not: That's right … Japan! I could see him going there next season with two goals: make as much money as possible, and make a run at Sadaharu Oh's all-time professional baseball home run record (868). You realize he's fewer than 220 away from Oh, right? You can do this, A-Rod! Here, we'll all chip in for your plane ticket. That reminds me …
Q: We need an Overstayed Your Welcome Club for people once cool, then tedious, then insufferably tedious. Hey Dennis Rodman and Terrell Owens? I'd like you to meet Alex Rodriguez.
—Steve Greenberg, Boston
SG: I love this concept even if I can't believe you left out Chad Ochocinco and Metta World Peace — it's like you were deliberately trying to hurt them. But shouldn't you tweak the name to "The Terrell Owens Club (for celebrities who overstayed their welcome)"? T.O. is the real-life version of John Belushi's old SNL sketch, "The Thing That Wouldn't Leave." He even tried to hijack last week's Kobe-Kimmel interview event in L.A. and had fans booing him and heckling "It's not about you!" Has anyone ever gotten more mileage out of being less interesting than Terrell Owens? (Thinking.) Wait, now I'm worried VH1 is going to build the Overstayed Your Welcome House for him, fill it with cameras, then stick T.O., Ocho, Rodman, Metta, Chyna, Danica Patrick and Pete Rose in it. Forget I brought this up.
Q: Which installment of the Fast and Furious franchise will feature Nic Cage?
—Ted, Alexandria, VA
SG: Fast Eight. No question. The Mayans predicted it way back when. I'm sure Nic Cage is more confused than anyone that they've made seven of these movies without ever saying the words, "Hey, what's Nic Cage doing?"
Q: I have to take issue with your assessment of Don Henley's afro-beard combo.
For me, it comes in a distant 2nd to Lindsey Buckingham's at the height of Fleetwood Mac's popularity. Check out his pictures from that time and tell me you don't agree.
—Dave Whitney, Rapid City
First, how dare you do anything other than pay homage to Henley's beard/Afro combo (or as I renamed it in that Eagles column, the Henley). Second, these guys already had enough existing tension after Henley dated Stevie Nicks right after Buckingham broke up with her — they didn't need more beef, so any additional blood is on your hands, Dave Whitney. Third, the Henley hit its hairy, unkempt, wolfmanish peak in 1975, at least a year before the height of Fleetwood Mac's popularity — that's why we call it the Henley and not the Buckingham. And fourth, you're not finding anything in the mid-'70s capable of trading haymakers with the Henley, with one exception … that's right, the Artis.
Q: You should update your twitter bio, it still says that you're a columnist.
SG: I deserved that.
Q: You are the Bert Cooper of Grantland.
—Nicholas Martin, Seattle
SG: That, too.
Q: Actual conversation I had with a girl the other night:
Her: "Did you read Bill Simmons' article about that?."
Me: "Yeah, I read all of his articles."
Her: "You say that like it's a hard thing to do."
Thanks, jackass. That tidbit was an impressive feat to throw around back in 2005. Now it's just pathetic.
—Bryan, Grand Forks, ND
SG: This is starting to sting a little.
Q: In your latest podcast with Zach Lowe (off his "Best NBA Team Nicknames" column), you discussed the stupidity of the Phoenix Suns nickname and suggested the Phoenix Pitbulls. Why not borrow your idea for Brooklyn to just be "Brooklyn" and drop the Suns name altogether? Just call them "The Phoenix!" My plan: They should wait a year until after whatever high lottery pick they get. Let me literally rip off Wikipedia for a minute: "In Greek mythology, a phoenix or phenix, is a long-lived bird that is cyclically regenerated or reborn. Associated with the sun, a phoenix obtains new life by arising from the ashes of its predecessor." Did you just read that?! Is there not a more perfect marketing/name-change opportunity? The Phoenix — it symbolizes "rebirth" and it's high-flying and fiery? If the Suns miraculously land Andrew Wiggins and don't do this, I'm holding you accountable.
—Dan S., San Francisco
SG: In 1970, an ABA team called the Miami Floridians changed their name to "the Floridians." Did they go defunct within two years? Absolutely. But still … that's a precedent! Only two NBA teams absolutely HAVE to change their names: the Washington Wizards and the Brooklyn Nets. The Wizards need to go back to the Bullets, and Brooklyn needs to be the Brooklyn Ballers, the Brooklyn Moguls or just plain Brooklyn.
Q: My vote for best new NBA team nickname features alliteration, is scary, is utterly original, would create some unintentionally hilarious headlines, and is over-the-top offensive. Your winner is … the Cleveland Cancer.
—Adam Pollock, Washington, DC
SG: I laughed. I can't lie.
Q: News just broke that [Chris] Hansen is funding an anti-arena group in Sac, hoping to bring it to a public vote (and sabotage their deal). I suspect otherwise. I think it's only, say 30%, about Sac and 70% about getting an expansion team. It's clear that Hansen has ZERO leverage right now. (He's the perfect blackmail for every other struggling franchise — as you have already pointed out.) Also, there's an election coming in Nov. and it's possible that several of Seattle's top politicians, who signed off on the MOA that eliminates the Seattle public arena vote, could go away. The ONLY leverage Hansen has to move this forward is to make this Sac arena deal an ugly public fight. Nobody wants that. Hansen's end game: tells Stern he'll call off the dogs if NBA commits in writing to a Seattle expansion team. What other play does he have?
SG: You're right. Here's what Hansen knows …
1. Regardless of what they're saying publicly, Adam Silver and David Stern have turned Seattle into a relocation blackmail city for every NBA owner who needs to muscle his city for help building a state-of-the-art arena. NBA Seattle = NFL Los Angeles.
2. Our last collective bargaining agreement was apparently negotiated by Billy Hunter while he was dressed like General Custer. Did Billy have any idea that Fox Sports 1 and NBC Sports Network were coming, or that live content in the DVR/Twitter/Netflix era was the single most important TV property you could have? It's unclear. But the league's franchise values have been climbing from the moment that lockout ended. Three years ago, Joe Lacob's group paid $350 million less for the Warriors than they're worth today. Josh Harris's group paid a little less than half as much for the Sixers as Vivek Ranadive paid for the Kings just 30 months later. Hansen missed his window to steal an NBA franchise for anything resembling a good price.
3. You'd be crazy to sell an NBA team right now. Even if you own a team in a less-than-thriving market — say, Detroit or Charlotte — you could thrive by throwing out a $45 million player payroll, collecting TV/merchandising/luxury tax revenue and letting your franchise appreciate. That's how we knew the Maloofs were broker than broke: NOBODY wants to sell an NBA team right now, and yet they had to sell their team.
OK, so you're Chris Hansen. (Not To Catch a Predator Chris Hansen, but Really Really Rich Chris Hansen.) You and Steve Ballmer just spent the last two years making it clear that you'd do anything to bring basketball back to Seattle, even if meant overoveroverpaying for the Kings. And you didn't just get screwed over; David Stern effectively hit you over the head with a steel chair, then climbed on the top rope while waving "THE SONICS ARE DEAD" and "CLAY BENNETT 4EVER!" T-shirts at Seattle fans. You're not getting an expansion team at anything less than extortion prices for a simple reason: Why would the other 30 NBA owners want to dilute their share of the league's booming media rights? They don't care if Seattle has a basketball team. I can't see Hansen getting an expansion team for less than $1.05 billion ($35 million per franchise), and at that point, why even do it?
Your only possible relocation prey? The perennially mediocre Milwaukee Bucks, who rank behind the Packers, the Brewers, Wisconsin basketball, Marquette basketball, Wisconsin football, and the Packers a second time on the Wisconsin Sports Fan Priority Scale.3 Still, they're owned by retired politician Herb Kohl — or as every NBA employee respectfully calls him, "The Senator" — a 78-year-old guy who doesn't seem especially motivated to become The Guy Who Killed Professional Basketball in Milwaukee. Even if you offer a record price for the Bucks (something like $850 million, not including the relocation fee), nobody thinks Kohl would bite. He's the same guy who values being a perennial no. 8 seed over blowing things up and going into über-tank mode (like the Sixers just did). Now he's just going to quit on professional basketball in Milwaukee completely? At his age???
So if you can't get an expansion team, and you can't get the Bucks, who's left? The answer: nobody. Hence the turd-in-the-punch-bowl strategy with the Sacramento vote. Maybe it's a legal Hail Mary, but it's the only move Hansen has left. And it's not going to work. The NBA seems determined to screw over Sonics fans for as long as humanly possible. Uh-oh, I feel a song coming on …
Q: Aren't you the king of "Stay In Your Lane"? So what are you doing abandoning your column and podcast during the 2013 NBA Playoffs for television? A column and a podcast can last forever, but all those pregame shows you did were meaningless, empty accomplishments the moment they were over.
SG: Yeah, but still!
Q: Has the Matthew Stafford If He Stays Healthy nickname torch been passed to Danny Amendola If He Stays Healthy?
SG: Apparently you missed the ceremony on NFL Network last week. Amendola looked so good in last week's exhibition game that he doubled his fantasy auction price and even generated some Welker 2.0 buzz. Naturally, he got hurt a few days later (even worse, with an "undisclosed injury"), was listed as "day-to-day" and conspicuously missed last night's Lions game. So much for doubling his fantasy auction price. Danny Amendola is going to be a top-12 fantasy receiver … you know, if he stays healthy. PS: If you need help for your fantasy draft this weekend, listen to my annual fantasy football preview podcast with ESPN's Matthew Berry.
Q: When Hank closed the garage door, that was like the Heat improbably getting the rebound in Game 6 and everything that followed in that scene was Ray Allen hitting That Shot. One of the greatest moments in TV history, period.
SG: I thought it was the television equivalent of the 75 seconds or so right after Mike Tyson first chewed off part of Evander Holyfield's ear — when we realized what happened, zoomed through the Seven Stages of WTF? and assumed they would stop the fight, only they didn't, and suddenly Tyson and Holyfield were hopping in their corners, ready to fight again as everyone lost their freaking minds.
I've been in just about every conceivable sports fan situation at this point — that's my no. 1 "I am prepared for ANYTHING right now" sports fan moment. (It's impossible to overstate how exciting those few seconds right before they started fighting again were. I still remember where I watched that fight, who was there, and where everyone was sitting.) So without spoiling the garage moment for anyone who hasn't seen Season 5 yet, I will only say that it made me feel the same way.
Wait a second, we're doing this right now? This is happening??????? I AM PREPARED FOR ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING.
Q: Is there anyone who can die between now and next month to prevent James Gandolfini from getting the hammer slot in the 'In Memoriam' Emmys montage? I see only three potential people stealing his thunder: Bill Cosby, Bill Shatner, or Jerome Seinfeld.
—Bryan Farris, Baton Rouge
SG: Agree on Cosby and Seinfeld. Disagree on Shatner. Would add the following definites: David Letterman, Michael J. Fox, Mary Tyler Moore, Barbara Walters, Lorne Michaels, Carol Burnett and Oprah Winfrey. Also, I think Alan Alda, Regis Philbin, Tom Brokaw and Ellen DeGeneres would almost definitely get the hammer over Gandolfini. Maybe he ekes out a decision over Ted Danson, Ray Romano, Jon Stewart, Bob Newhart, James L. Brooks and Roseanne Barr … but at the very least, for every one of those six examples, the guy in charge of the "In Memoriam" montage sends out an e-mail to his producers asking what to do.
The single toughest call? Gandolfini or Eddie Murphy. I don't know the answer. And I hope we don't find out. I love Eddie Murphy. STAY ALIVE FOR THREE MORE WEEKS, EDDIE! YOU CAN DO IT!
Q: I'm not sure why, but the other day, I decided to see what the current Red Sox rotation would look like if all the pitchers were actually dinosaurs:
1. Felix Doubrontosaurus
2. Jon Lestyrrannosaurus
3. John Lachiosaurus
4. Jake Peavelociraptor
5. Ryankylosaurus Dempsterodactyl
Bonus: Claosaurus Buchholz (Yep, Claosaurus is actually a dinosaur). DOUBLE BONUS: Steven Wrightceratops.
I doubt this can be done with any other rotation (can it?). Is this a good sign — the Sox will totally destroy their weak competition — or a terrible one — the Sox are one major asteroid strike away from missing the playoffs?
SG: About a week after I received this email, Ryankylosaurus Dempsterodactyl plunked Alex Roidriguesaurus, fired up the Yankees and turned their season around, sent the Red Sox into a tailspin, and inadvertently transformed John Farrell into 2001 Jimy Williams. So I'm going with the asteroid.
Q: SportsCenter has been showing a lot of tweets on air from sports figures and celebs. Most of the time, the person reading the tweet kinda butchers it due to the weird form of English used on twitter. What do you think of SportsCenter bringing in a Frank Caliendo type impersonator and use him over an anchor awkwardly reading a Shaq tweet?
—Ashton, Springfield, MA
SG: I don't see ESPN doing that, but it sounds like it's right up Fox Sports 1's alley! FUN IDEA.
Q: I don't want to bad-mouth Midnight Run, but to claim "No movie used more f-bombs more effectively than Midnight Run" took me aback. Have you not seen The Big Lebowski?
—Eric S., St. Peters, MO
SG: Still haven't seen that movie. My buddy Gus believes everyone should have one movie that you've never seen just because it infuriates and perplexes everyone you know that you haven't seen it. His movie is E.T. He's never seen it. This infuriates and perplexes me. For me, it's Rebowski. Er. Lebowski? Is it Rebowski or Lebowski? I wouldn't know because I've never seen it.
Q: In your "Overrated/Underrated/Properly Rated" podcast with Wesley Morris, you debated how to rate Jodie Foster's career against Meryl Streep's career. Streep is probably the most similar to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar due to her longevity and continued success, right? Foster is more like Bill Walton. She succeeded early (Foster in Taxi Driver, Walton at UCLA), got sidetracked in her early adult years, then blossomed in her late-20s (The Accused and Silence of the Lambs for Foster, the '77 title season and '78 MVP for Walton), then fell off again and did nothing of real note for the rest of her career other than one last hurrah (Inside Man for Foster, Walton being the sixth man for the '86 Celts). Your thoughts?
—Alex Choi, Sacramento, CA
SG: I like it because Wesley overrates Foster's Accused/Lambs peak much like I overrate Walton's run in 1977/1978, and also, the Streep-Kareem parallels are pretty great. And thanks for not extending the analogy to include Bill Russell and Katharine Hepburn, because that would have pissed me off.
But you reminded me of something: Back in 2009, I wrote an ESPN The Magazine column about Streep owning our "greatest living actor" title. The thesis: If we created a sports-like formula to capture acting success, regardless of how complicated or simple that formula was, Streep's "stats" would beat every other living actor. To prove that point, I made up a simple formula based on the historically unreliable Oscars: Best Actor/Actress wins were worth seven points; Best Actor/Actress nominations and Best Supporting Actor/Actress wins were worth three points; and Best Supporting Actor/Actress nominations were worth one. At the time, Streep (45 points) trailed only Hepburn (52) on the all-time list.
Since then, Streep received another "Best Actress" nomination for Julie & Julia, then officially passed Hepburn by winning "Best Actress" for The Iron Lady. That makes her the most successful actor ever based on my dumb formula that I spent 27 seconds creating. Our top 20 actors updated through 2013's Oscars …
Streep (55); Hepburn (52); Bette Davis (41); Jack Nicholson (38); Spencer Tracy (35); Laurence Olivier (32); Marlon Brando (30); Dustin Hoffman, Paul Newman, Ingrid Bergman (29); Jack Lemmon (28); Daniel Day-Lewis,4 Jane Fonda (27); Greer Garson (25); Peter O'Toole (24); Gary Cooper, Tom Hanks, Robert De Niro, Sean Penn, Liz Taylor (23). Sorry, Al Pacino — you missed the cutoff by one point. Hoo-ah!
Q: I had a dream last night about a cricket-playing cat called Toby. Toby was like the Babe Ruth of cat cricket, I mean he made the other cats in the cat cricket league look like they were kittens. He even had an epic five-minute YouTube montage of his greatest shots that I watched several times. And the worst feeling about waking up wasn't realizing that it was all a dream, but realizing that I couldn't send you a link and tell you about Toby, the Babe Ruth of cat cricket.
—Jonathan Gault, Syracuse
SG: I've learned to see through transparent attempts to become the last e-mail of the mailbag.
Q: Pick one musical act for the New York Super Bowl halftime: Jay-Z, Bruce, Bon Jovi or the debut of the Frank Sinatra hologram?
—Chris Agar, Felton, DE
SG: I guess I need more clarity … are we considering this a New York Super Bowl or a New Jersey Super Bowl? (Maybe America should vote on this?) If it's a New York Super Bowl, then I vote for Jay Z performing with the Sinatra hologram. If it's a Jersey Super Bowl, I vote for Bruce and Bon Jovi performing together as Chris Christie eats pasta in the background with a Gandolfini hologram.
But if we're considering this a New York–New Jersey Super Bowl — a joint collaboration, if you will — then nothing less than a Jay Z–Springsteen combo would suffice. We might as well go all-out because right around the second quarter — when it's 18 degrees and every Super Bowl spectator is in full-fledged WTF mode — we're going to collectively decide that no cold-weather city should ever host a Super Bowl again.
Q: Hello, I'm a Jets fan. I just looked through some fantasy previews and this is what I saw …
Stephen Hill, 36 rec, 481 yds, 4 td [72 pts]
Jeremy Kerley, 40 rec, 579 yds, 2 tds [68 pts]
Santonio Holmes, 21 rec, 271 yds, 3 tds [44 pts]
Kellen Winslow, 29 rec, 302 yds, 1 td [35 pts]
Braylon Edwards, 14 rec, 214 yds, 1 td [27 pts]
Ben Obomanu, 14 rec, 180 yds, 1 td [24 pts]
Mike Goodson, 14 rec, 148 yds, 1 td [21 pts]
Chris Ivory, 1 rec, 11 yds, 0 td [1 pt]
A total of 292 fantasy points, 2,186 yds, 13 tds
Calvin Johnson is projected for 232 points, 1,795 yds and 9 tds HIMSELF.
Ladies and gentlemen … your 2013 NEW YORK JETS!!!!!
—Matt Davis, Putnam, CT
SG: J … E … T … S … JETS JETS JETS!
Q: Did I just hear on your podcast that you were "never a fan of" Bret Hart? As a lifelong follower of the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be, I'd appreciate an explanation.
SG: Let's see … no personality, no sense of humor, wet hair, horrible entrance music, hideous wrestling outfit (pink and black?), never tweaked his gimmick, didn't get along with Shawn Michaels, "carried" the WWE during its most boring stretch of the past 40 years, sold out for WCW money, remains memorable only because of (a) the Montreal Screwjob (and the fact that he punched Vince McMahon afterward), and (b) his phenomenal Ewing Theory credentials (the WWE took off again right after he left). Just thought he was overrated.
Quick tangent: In our aforementioned podcast last week, Wesley Morris mentioned his "market corrections" theory and how, sometimes, there can be only one "type" of successful lane for one actor (only with multiple actors vying for it). An example he liked: Mark Harmon never making it as a leading movie actor because Kevin Costner took all of those marquee roles that could have gone to Harmon from 1988 through 1995. Costner was Harmon's market-correction guy, the guy blocking Harmon from having a Costner-like career.
Same for Tom Hanks and Michael Keaton — they battled for seven years for "funny/likable comic actor who dabbles in serious roles and will eventually become an A-lister" supremacy, with Keaton gaining an early A-list upper hand in 1989 thanks to the Batman movies. What happened to Hanks? Total tailspin! That was his Joe Versus the Volcano/Bonfire of the Vanities stretch — three years of forgettable movies. When Hanks rallied back in 1992 with A League of Their Own, then Sleepless in Seattle, Philadelphia (Oscar) and Forrest Gump (Oscar), what happened to Keaton? TAILSPIN! As Wesley says, there could be only one.
Back to Bret Hart: His market-correction guy was "Mr. Perfect," Curt Hennig, another technically terrific wrestler who hit the WWE in the mid-1980s. I always loved the arrogant "Mr. Perfect" gimmick and thought Hennig was more interesting and entertaining than Hart, but Hart's extended wrestling family (brother Owen, brothers-in-law Jim Neidhart and British Bulldog) morphed into the Hart Foundation family, which stole good spots in every pay-per-view. With the Hitman leading the way, of course. So Hennig ended up being the Keaton to Hitman's Hanks — he never won the WWE title and eventually jumped to WCW. So not only did Bret Hart semi-bore the hell out of us in dozens of pay-per-views, he drove away his more entertaining market-correction guy. I don't hate him for it. Just can't call myself a Hitman fan. Wait, did we just spend four paragraphs on this?
Q: Since you blindly defend everything Boston, what's your defense for Ben Affleck ruining the Batman franchise? I know you have one!
—Chris, Scarsdale, NY
SG: I don't have a defense, more of a theory. On the face of it, Affleck taking a massive risk like this makes no sense whatsoever. He just spent the past six years rebuilding his career, reestablishing himself as an A-lister and completing one of the greatest comebacks in Hollywood history.
But here's the thing …
I don't think it was enough for him. I think he's still in "Eff You" mode from all the abuse he took during the Bennifer era, for people writing him off, and for the Academy not giving him that Best Director nomination for Argo. And obviously, he's been on fire with career decisions for the last few years and feels like he can't do anything wrong. So this is part hubris and part "Eff You" — Affleck knew taking that Batman part would be polarizing, he knew he didn't need it financially or professionally, and he didn't care. If he pulls it off, now it's not just one of the great Hollywood comebacks ever, it's THE GREATEST Hollywood comeback ever.
So really, this is the Hollywood equivalent of the 2007 Pats trying to go 19-0 post-Spygate. Ben Affleck is trying to run up the score on us right now. How can you not respect him for this? We'll be back on The Best Blind Boston Defense I Could Come Up With after these messages.