This week we welcomed the delusional, soul mate-seeking maniacs of Bachelor Pad to the GRTFL. They returned the favor by making their season premiere three excruciating hours long. In that time, you could have watched Rise of The Planet of The Apes, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and this week's entire Grantland YouTube Hall of Fame and still have had time to counterbalance your sloth with the Situation’s “Insane Abs” workout.
We held our second supplemental draft to divvy up the Bachelor Pad cast. It was not unlike the NBA draft in that no one knew anything about whom they were picking, and it took about two hours longer than it should have.
Here were the results:
(1) Vienna (Jay)
(2) Sammi from Jersey Shore (House)
(3) Pauly D from Jersey Shore (Jacoby)
(4) Michelle Money (Jay)
(5) Kasey Kahl (Connor)
(6) Gia (Bill)
(7) Blake (Bill)
(8) Jake (Connor)
(9) Holly Durst (Lane)
(10) Jackie (Jacoby)
(11) Rego (House)
(12) Ames (Jay)
(13) Kirk Diwindt (Jay)
(14) Michael Stagliano (House)
(15) Erica Rose (Jacoby)
(16) Melissa (Lane)
(17) Graham Bunn (Connor)
(18) William (Bill)
(19) Alli (Bill)
(20) Ella (Connor)
We also bid adieu to the Basketball Wives in true Basketball Wives fashion, with lots of flying cocktails. But not even Jennifer Williams' drink-toss/get-restrained-by-security combination could top the psychotic point-generating cyclone of reality show clichés unleashed by Vienna from Bachelor Pad on Monday.
Vienna (Bachelor Pad, Jay): 65 points. Vienna was made for this. She is a five-tool reality TV fantasy player: She’s crazy, promiscuous, manipulative, unstable, and fame-hungry. The no. 1 pick in the draft put up 65 points in her first week and did it with flair. She had a verbal fight in a jacuzzi, scoring GRTFL's first Hot Tub Bonus (10 points). She followed that with two cries (10 points), and finished with an I-know-there-are-cameras-in-the-room-but-I'm-going-to-have-sex-anyway nudity/coitus combination (45 points). I swear, in the “This season on Bachelor Pad ” preview montage I saw her hook up with three different dudes, get institutionalized, rob a bank, birth quintuplets, and lead a Wiccan circle. I told you — Vienna was made for this.
Single Ronnie (Jersey Shore, House): 62.5 Points. There is a good chance that this will be the last we ever see of Single Ronnie. It's devastatingly clear that soon Jersey Shore will once again morph back into the "Ronnie and Sammi break-up/make-up" chronicles. Vinny best sums up the audience's opinion of this storyline: “You guys are a bad time. Like, for real.” As if he saw it coming and knew that it was now or never, Ronnie let loose “Single Ronnie,” his unchecked id. Single Ronnie is motivated only by his desire to drink alcohol (25 + 20 intoxication points) and dance like a marionette whose puppeteer is having a seizure. After exiting the club in sunglasses (2.5 points), Single Ronnie took a spill on his way home (10 points), where, upon his arrival, he immediately prepared a full meal (5 points). At least House can look forward to all the crying points he'll net once Ronnie and Sammi get back together to ruin all of our Thursday nights. We’ll miss you, Single Ronnie. See you the first two episodes of Season 5.
Deena (Jersey Shore, Jacoby): 55 points. Deena was so inslopsicated this week (12.5 + 15 intoxication points total) on her way home from falling down in the club (10 points), she had the following exchange with Sammi:
Deena: “I wanted to hook up with that guy”
Sammi: “No you didn’t. He was a douche bag.”
Deena: “Is that him?” [gestures toward police officer]
Deena was seconds away from kissing an Italian police officer in full uniform. This episode she also primped in the mirror (5 points), complained about not understanding Italian (5 points), and adjusted her boobs (7.5 points).
Jennifer Williams (Basketball Wives, House): 50 points. Jennifer and Eric Williams do not have a model marriage. They met for a dinner whose ostensible goal was to foster communication during their divorce — but was really probably arranged by the production staff in hopes that they'd hurl insults and cocktails at each other. Everything went according to plan. At the end of their argument (5 verbal-fighting points), Jennifer tossed her rum and coke (5 points) at the retreating former Celtics forward. Eric did not handle this well. He returned and drenched his wife with what looked like a peach martini. No matter what, a man can’t throw a drink at woman. How does his next girlfriend describe him to her friends? “You know the one with the weird bump on his head who aggressively threw a martini at his wife? Yeah, he’s my new boyfriend.” Jennifer was restrained by security (25 points) as she tried to retaliate. Also, earlier in the episode, she tallied 15 drunken make-out points to close out her season with a solid 50-point performance. Next year on Basketball Wives they may be forced to use sippy cups.
Michael Lohan (Celebrity Rehab, Connor): 50 points. Neither party in Michael Lohan and Kate Major's relationship gets anything out of it apart from abuse, near-heart attacks, and camera time. This week, they fought on the phone for hours at a time (10 points for two verbal fights) and when they were face-to-face they had an argument so vile and vicious we decided to count down the five cruelest quotes (not including the one that was too dirty to print):
5. Kate: "Everyone in your family won't talk to you. Leave me alone"
4. Kate: “You’re old you’re ugly and you’re bald.”
3. Michael: “You’re a hooker. Bottom line. You’re a hooker and you get paid for it.”
2. Kate: “Dina and everyone else bleeping hates you. Your daughter, everyone hates you.”
1. Kate to “friend”: “The only thing that is holding him back is the camera from beating me up like he did 17 times.”
Lohan’s verbal hate-daggers succeeded in making Major cry (25 points), hers succeeded in making him threaten to leave the show (15 points), and both succeeded in making viewers feel a little bit better about the regrettable things they have said to loved ones in arguments.
The Situation (Jersey Shore, Kang): 47.5 points. The Situation broke new ground this episode by scoring the first coitus-with-a-grenade points (25 + 10 points) and introducing the “fellatio reception soliloquy.” He did some primping (5 + 5 points) and his trademark "peek over the shades in the nightclub" (2.5 points), but nothing will overshadow the creation of the “fellatio reception soliloquy.” This is like the reality show equivalent of the day Dick Fosbury looked at a high-jump bar and said “Why not just throw myself over that stupid thing.”
Sammi (Jersey Shore, House): 42.5 points. Sammi primped (5 + 5 + 5 points), got drunk (12.5 points), fell down (10 points), and cried (5 points). At least that's what I heard. I can’t look at her now that I know she’s taking Single Ronnie away from us again.
Laurel (The Challenge, House): 40 points. This week, Laurel proved the she is to freestyle insulting what Black Thought of the Roots is to freestyle rhyming. She dominated three verbal fights this week (15 points) with onslaughts like this one:
- “Shut the bleep up. Shut the bleep up. Paula, get the bleep out of here. You’re a 39-year-old still on reality TV and still haven’t won anything. Shut the bleep up, you stupid reject of a life. What else do you have to say? You have fake boobs, you’re an anorexic, you can’t get a bleeping husband, you don’t have kids, and you’re ugly. Shut the bleep up.”
Paula shut the bleep up and was quickly reduced to a sobbing mass of insecurity and self-hatred. 25 more points for Laurel.
Wes (Jay): 35 points. Wes was the second guy this week to throw a drink on a woman, dousing Cara Maria with a two-liter bottle of cola and making her cry (25 points). He also tacked on a make-out (5 points) and fell victim to a Laurel freestyle-insult verse (5 verbal-fighting points) in which she called him “fire crotch” and declared, “I will kick your bleeping ass." Laurel from The Challenge is the greatest American poet since Walt Whitman.
Paula (Jacoby): 25 points. Paula scored 25 points with various make-outs (15 points), unintentional nudity (5 points), and crying (5 points). As her owner, I fear she will never bounce back from Laurel’s “shut the bleep up” tirade. After the episode, in the Blanket Coverage clubhouse, she just rocked back and forth in front of her locker, whispering, “I am a stupid reject of a life” over and over. She is destroyed. I am happy to entertain offers for Paula’s services at bargain-basement prices.
Mandi, Jenn, and Adam (Lane, Jay, and Jacoby): 10 points each. Mandi, Jenn, and Adam all put up 10 make-out points in what was the most entertaining Challenge episode since Brad was eliminated for misspelling “throne.”
Tyler (Connor): 10 points. Tyler scored for nudity (5 points) and a verbal spat with Laurel (5 points). Laurel completely debunks Newton’s third law of motion. There is not an equal and opposite reaction — there is a doubly menacing, terrifying, and demeaning opposite reaction that crushes souls and destroys lives. Sorry, Sir Isaac Newton. Laurel from The Challenge just called bullshit on you.
Ev, Cara Maria, CT, and Johnny Bananas (various GRTFL teams): 5 points. These folks also got in on the scoring for crying, making out, or verbal fighting. This episode was so good it almost made up for the worst hour of my week, Love In The Wild.
Love In The Wild:
Mike and Samantha (Simmons): 15 points each. Samantha the Single Wedding Planner and her beau shared a kiss (5 points), a challenge win (5 points), and a discussion about their future plans together. Mike thinks he is simply having fun on a terrible reality show, but little does he know the second he gets off the plane at home, an elaborate wedding ceremony will be waiting on the tarmac and Samantha will be standing at the altar, gesturing to a team of rooftop snipers she hired in case he gets cold feet.
Theresa (Connor): 5 points. I think Theresa cried (5 points) on this awful show, but I can’t be sure because I was too busy developing another three reality shows called Love in the Wild that I would rather watch:
1. Kevin Love teaches an Aboriginal family trick basketball shots in the Australian outback on … Love in the Wild.
2. Olivia Wilde treks to Northern Alaska to escape the spotlight before anyone notices she can’t open a movie on Love in the Wilde.
3. We follow the highs and lows of the love lives of four shot girls at Tallahassee’s favorite sports bar, the Wild, on Love in the Wild.
Kasey (Connor): 35 points. Kasey is the boyfriend you do not want to be. His girlfriend Vienna doesn’t even do that thing in which the female in the relationship makes the male feel like he has decision-making power, then slyly manipulates him; she just outright dominates him. She chastised him in the hot tub (5 verbal-fighting plus 5 hot-tub bonus points) and later the two of them enjoyed some blanket-covered coitus (25 points) during which I am sure she emasculated him the entire time.
Jackie (Jacoby): 20 points. Jackie won a challenge (10 points), declared intentions to find love (5 points), and made out with Ames and his helipad forehead (5 points). I’m pretty sure that Ames is the result of a lab experiment gone wrong that mixed the DNA of Ralph Lauren and Sloth from The Goonies.
William (Bill): 10 points. William was awarded 10 points for possession of a concealed erection during the challenge in which he was suspended by a harness with Gia’s legs wrapped around him. He may or may not have been the first person to have been suspended by a harness with Gia’s legs wrapped around him.
Jake (Connor): 10 points. Jake won a challenge on Bachelor Pad this week and scored 10 points for Connor Schell. Connor is so slippery that I bet he'll try to trick us into counting Jake’s verbal fight with former prostitute Ashley Dupree on VH1’s Famous Food toward his GRTFL total. In the mold of Bo Jackson, Danny Ainge, and Deon Sanders, Jake Pavelka is a two-show athlete.
Michelle, Ames, Graham, Ella, Alli, and Gia (various GRTFL teams): 5 points. Rounding out this week's Bachelor Pad scoring was this group, tallying five points apiece for various bad behavior. The most notable was Ella, who scored 5 points as she described plans to use the show's prize money to provide for her daughter the loving home she never had because her mother was killed when she was 3 years old. In front of her. By her stepfather. With a sawed-off shotgun. Yeah um that happened on Bachelor Pad this week.
Amy Fisher (Bill): 10 points. Amy Fisher cried twice this week (10 points) and inspired us to create a new network reality show: Extreme Makeunder. Lil’ Kim, Kreayshawn, and the city of Las Vegas have already committed to the pilot.
((Evelyn Lozada (Connor): 5 points. Evelyn got into a heated argument with her fiancé, Chad Ochocinco (5 points), during which he told her “You ain’t no thug, maaaaaan!” Next time your lady is upset and you don’t have a decent out, just tell her “You ain’t no thug, maaaaaan!” and walk out of the room. 100 percent success rate. ((
Shaunie O'Neal (House): 20 points. Shaunie O’Neal was awarded 20 points for promoting her shoe line during a lunch with her manager (you have a "manager"? Really?). Then she explained how she thinks the project will change her life: “I don’t ever want to have to depend on anybody for anything ever again." Hearing this, Shaquille O’Neal immediately sent an e-mail to Shaunie congratulating her on her independence, then cancelled this month’s kajillion-dollar alimony payment.
Snooki (Lane): 15 points. Snooki, wake up. Snooki, seriously, wake up. You're the biggest reality star on the planet, a multimillionaire, and the no. 1 pick in our draft. Get out of bed. Did I really just watch you sleep past dinner? 15 points for complaining and primping? That’s it? See Deena out there, sloppy drunk, falling over, and trying to make out with cops? That used to be you. Now get out of bed and start punching people and having STD scares before Lane trades you for a Survivor contestant.
Pauly D (Jacoby): 15 points. This week, Pauly D primped (5 points) and tried to start a catchphrase — “She’s too young for you, bro!” — that made Jeff Foxworthy sit up in his yacht and think about calling his lawyers.
JWOWW (Connor): 10 points. While watching JWOWW complain (5 points) and primp (5 points), it finally dawned on me what she looks like this season — the lovechild of Lil' Kim and a praying Mantis, a surprisingly attractive blend.
David Jacoby (Blanket Coverage): During the three-hour Bachelor Pad premiere, there were about 1,387 commercials featuring Carly Foulkes, the “T-Mobile girl.” I want to rush the floor of the New York Stock Exchange waving scrap paper over my head and yell “I want 2,000 shares of Carly Foulkes! Two-thousand shares of Carly Foulkes! Two-thousand Carly Faulkes right now!” She is going places. She is the female Justin Long. By the end of 2011, she’ll be engaged to Drew Barrymore and attached to two romantic comedies.
The thing about Carly is that she cuts through. You don’t know why, but you remember her and are happy to see her when she pops up in a commercial break. She’s attractive but not sexy, goofy but not nerdy, and good at delivering lines but not really. She's become so popular that she's spawned a Facebook fan page, a site dedicated to her feet, and a Virgin Mobile attack campaign with a Carly lookalike.
However, I am only going to sit on my Carly Foulkes stock for few months, as I know how this plays out. Soon her T-Mobile campaign will end, her character will be killed on a bad FX show, then her romantic comedies will flop and she'll disappear for 20 years only to reappear alongside Justin Long in a hologram television campaign designed to sell communication-implant-chip family plans to nostalgic fathers.
Oh, yeah, also — no more primping points. Enough with the primping, Jersey Shore. Enough.
Bill Simmons (The Right Reasons): Since I'm losing interest in this league after you dickheads stacked the supplemental drafts against me, the least I could do is mail in my message board post. Suck on my apathy, all of you. Here's a question that I pulled from my mailbag from Rob in Newmarket, N.H.: "Just watched the Bachelor Pad premiere. Vienna's manipulation of Kasey bore a striking resemblance to Kathleen Turner and William Hurt in Body Heat. How surprised would you be if she convinces Kasey that in order to truly 'guard and protect her heart,' he must kill Jake? I see this as a definite possibility and if it happens, how will it redefine your Reality TV fantasy scoring system?"
My answer: If one of your players convinces a fellow contestant to murder another contestant, you should win the league. Goes without saying. That reminds me, here's another way you can win the league: draft the worst possible team, then get the first pick in every supplemental draft until you finally rise to first place. I'm so bitter.
Joseph House (The Fantashiques): "I am the pimp daddy mack of this whole place."
I hold these truths to be self-evident: Yellow squash is inedible. The Washington Bullets would have made it to the Eastern Conference finals in the '90s if Gheorge Muresan's pituitary hadn't misbehaved. I would come out to the Junkyard Band's "Sardines" for every at-bat if I played professional baseball. And my main-est man Ronnie will engage in the type of antisocial, pathological behavior that is richly, richly rewarded by the points-scheme concocted for this affair. Repeatedly.
You go, pimp daddy mack.
Lane Brown (The Blurcle Jerks): I come here to praise Snooki, not to bury her: She slept through half of last night's Jersey Shore and still managed to outscore the other sober, erectionless, coitus-fearing losers on my pathetic team this week. It's like all of my players swapped bodies, Change-Up/Freaky Friday/Being John Malkovich-style, with House's. That's the only plausible explanation for Mandi's lame performance on The Challenge this week — she was busy controlling Ronnie's actions on Jersey Shore (further evidence that this actually might have been the case: Wasn't Mandi's triple-kiss with Evelyn and Paula on The Challenge a little Ronnie-esque? I want those points, House). Also, I'd like to congratulate my original first-round pick, Johnny Bananas, on scoring his first five points ever this week. I hate everybody.
Jay Caspian Kang (Fraudulent Coitus): Two points:
1. TV producers of America, I have five letters and four words for you: CT AND RONNIE FIGHT ON PPV! BOOM! Ronnie walks in dressed like Irv Gotti in every Murder Inc. publicity shot — big pinstriped suit, wide lapels, and Jay-Z's hat from the Reasonable Doubt album cover. CT comes in dressed in Wolverine's yellow suit. Three rounds, MMA style. CT goes off as a 4:1 favorite. [Note: For more Grantland coverage of the hypothetical CT-Ronnie PPV fight, see here.]
2. Last weeks' Challenge might have been my Reality TV Waterloo. After watching Laurel berate Paula, I walked to my kitchen and stared emptily into the freezer. For the first time in my life, I thought, "If I house this pint of ice cream, I might stop feeling so dead inside." Paula is one of my least favorite reality TV personalities ever (Lisa from Season 4 of Top Chef will always be no. 1, followed by Lauren Conrad, Matt from Real World New Orleans, Blake Lewis from American Idol, Danny Gokey, and every rapping child who has ever humiliated himself on America's Got Talent), but nobody should have to watch that. And I should stop identifying with Cathy from that awful comic strip.
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